Re: Mark Clayton just saw The Foot Fist Way...

My brother, Mark Clayton, it's me Mark Duper! I'm in the process of writing a review for another "artsey-esque" movie that bothered me, (although I still kinda liked it), but before I get to finishing that, I wanted to comment on your hatred of this movie [ see previous post. - M.C. ]. Well, actually, not really on this movie so much, because I have never even heard of this film in which you speak. (But thanks for lettin' me know it's right up there with "Better Luck Tomorrow," which to Mark Duper was among the worst films EVER in the category of, "Movies-that-truly-believe-they-are-endlessly-cool-yet-suck-uncontrollably-and-make-you-want-to-punch-everyone-who-made-it-in-the-face.")

The widescreen version fits perfectly!

But anyway, I'm actually commenting on your hatred for Napoleon Dynamite... I know where you are coming from with your opinion on this film, in fact, when I first saw it, I shared your hatred. But through time, and through the fact that I ended up coming across it on HBO several years later and watching it again, I realized something interesting: My hatred for that movie, wasn't so much from the movie itself, but from the appraisal it received. The disgusting "hip" vote that it got was again, something that made me want to punch many, many people in the face. It was so full of itself that I fucking hated it. (Another quick example of this is "Juno".) I fucking hate these movies that are so aware of their "coolness."

The disgusting "hip" vote.

HOWEVER, Mr. Clayton, after the smoke had settled and all the hipsters had moved onto their next Indie film to rave about, and after Napolean himself had already gone and done other movies like "Blades of Glory" and what not... after all that, I sat and watched "Napoleon Dynamite" again, and I actually liked it.

I know where you are coming from with your hatred, but if you just pretend that it never got the fame and glory it got, you'd probably like it too. There's just something about when the artsey-hip crowd embraces a film, that makes me loathe it. Ok, anyway, now back to my review on Danny Boyle's "Sunshine." To be cont'd!!!!!

Yours truly,
Mark Duper
(P.S. Don't think I don't remember that game in '87. Damn those Buffalo Bills...)

Mark Clayton just saw The Foot Fist Way...

... And highly recommends that you don't.

No, no images wasted on this heap of stinking infestation. Not even the movie poster.

The Foot Fist Way is a terrible, terrible, failure of a comedy from MTV films, known for such great powerflush shit like Save the Last Dance, How She Move, and the ever shit-tacular Better Luck Tomorrow.*** The movie is a deadpan tale about a Tae Kwon Do instructor who fails as a human being, as told through "little sketches" and musical montages. The "little sketches" entail trite, unimaginative sequences with predictable outcomes that shitty writers fall back upon because they know they just don't have to try when they're catering to the indie comedy set. ("Hey, wasn't that just awkward the way he's bein' all crazy like that?") And of course, there's the life-changing journey sequence where the main character and his rag-tag group of-- You know what? Get the fuck out of here with this tired old asshattery.

As for predictable outcomes, well, they're just packed into this. I could lay out some scenarios, then have you poke a pencil into your brain and see if you can't guess what happens, but that would be just as condescending as transferring those same things onto celluloid and calling it a "movie."

Mark Clayton can't say he really "saw" the whole thing, either. A good quarter of my time was spent fast-forwarding through those aforementioned idiotic musical montage sequences, most of them featuring completely humorless Tae Kwon Do action clips. Now ideally, it could be a highlight real of Marks Brothers touchdowns set to the tune of Aerosmith's Sweet Emotion or Heart's Barracuda and anyone would be hard-pressed not to watch, but the sequences in The Foot Fist Way were something else, dredged from the depths of Banal Filmmaking 101 or even that of local cable commercial fodder. And so unabashedly frequent, too. It seemed like every chance they got, the running time was padded with a stupid montage blasting ear-wretchingly "ironic" rock. Without them, this would've been about half an hour shorter and about ten times less bad (but still bad).

Maybe this ham-fisted production could pass its amateur cinematography, boorishly-caricatured characters, and paint-by-numbers plotline with the smarmy "it's-great-because-it-isn't" hipster set and the generally not very bright, but really, the rest of us could do a whole lot better.

Let's make an exception to the image ban.

***MTV Films is also responsible for Napoleon Dynamite, which caused Mark Clayton the deepest, darkest hatred toward any "film" he has ever had to suffer through. I would rather relive the November 29, 1987, Dolphins loss at Buffalo in which we were trounced 27-0 before watching it again.

The "New" Mega Man: Mark Duper Concurs

High-Definition graphics for Mega Man 9

Had I fully agreed with my fellow Miami Dolphins receiving record holder at the time in which he initially released his review of the "new" Mega Man game, I might not have seen a reason in writing my own blog about it. (Really, what more could have been said if I felt exactly the same?) But at that time I hadn't yet played the "new" 8-bit Mega Man game, and while I understood and even agreed to some extent with my good pal's opinions, I actually thought that I might like it when I finally decided to try it out. He and I have very different levels of tolerance when it comes to the nostalgic games of yesteryear, and therefore I thought that at the end of the day, Mark Duper would enjoy the game for all the same reasons that Mark Clayton hated it.

But again, that was before I fucking played it. "Cheap death, cheap death, deleted from hard drive." I could not have imagined beforehand how spot-on that comment would be. You have to understand that Mark Duper is someone who can and does still fire up the ol' NES emulators for some tediously difficult (and cheap) 8-bit fun, because I realize that those games were made in a different time with a whole different world of limitations. It is that underlying knowledge of things to come, however, that makes playing those old games forgivable, and in turn, entertaining, enjoyable, and (in the rarest of forms), timeless. Some of the "worst" games from our past will never lose their luster because of this fact... but after playing the "new" Mega Man and fucking despising it, I realized that the reason for this is simply because of the imprint those games left on their time, in their video game era. It is human nature to enjoy doing and seeing things from a wonderful time in our pasts... But there is something about the fact that this game was made now, and on purpose, without so much as a "wink, wink" to let us know they aren't being serious, that makes me hate it so much.

"A whole Different World of limitations"

And for fuck's sake do NOT use the "nostalgia" excuse. That excuse goes out the window immediately, considering how much respect and love I will always have for fucking nostalgia. Mark Duper didn't only buy a Nintendo Wii to impress his friends with bowling, tennis, and Guitar Hero... I also bought the damn thing so I could play all my favorite classic cheaply-difficult games, like "Contra," "Castlevania," "Super Mario Bros.," and even the original "Mega Man" games!!! So don't even use the word nostalgia, when you tell me why you like the "new" Mega Man.

Mark Duper likes to impress family and friends with his Wii.

If this fucking game had the courtesy to at the very least be more tongue-in-cheek with anything, from it's by-the-books 8-bit storyline, to it's 8-bit music, to it's use of the 8-bit graphics engine, I wouldn't be so livid with my disgust for this tripe. Hell, I might even have liked it more if they claimed it was a previously "unreleased" version of Mega Man... but the fact that this game is brand new, using old-school cheapness not out of any sort of old-school creativity based on old-school limitations, but instead as a gimmick and a selling point, is what makes me hate this game so much.

If you never played Mega Man after the first game, and I told you this game was part 2, originally released in 1989, you wouldn't even question it. Doesn't that bother anyone else but the Marks Brothers?! All I'm saying is, don't be fooled by this game's claim of re-connecting with your youth, it's really just trying to make an easy buck. (...or shall I say ten easy bucks.)

Four easy Bucs will do.

Now look, Mark Duper doesn't like to be redundant, but he does like to make his final point using some kind of irreverent reference to his lustrous career. In the original "Tecmo Bowl," there are a total of 4 plays to choose from on offense... and only 1 of them has Mark Duper running a post-route! Yet I have no problem with any of the tedium that comes with that game, and I can play it any time, using just that 1 play over and over. However, if they made a "new" Tecmo Bowl today, and purposely had all the same glitches, annoyances, and shortcomings of a game made 6 or 7 console-generations ago... I would be beside myself with anger and disappointment.

Both Marks wide open, Dan!

Mark Duper says, save your money, folks! If you're going to play a game that is ONLY fun because of it's nostalgia factor, why the hell would you need a new version of it?

Sweeping Condemnation: Hockey Video Games

Mark Clayton would like to make a sweeping condemnation of all current hockey video games: they're all for crap. What should be a fun, beating-crazy, score-fest, has become an overly technical, mirthless, precision simulator. Imagine a calculator that doesn't display "80085" (or "5318008" or even "0.7734" for that matter).

The rarer "55378008" preferred by intellectuals.

The current crop of hockey games act as a slap in the face of their predecessors like Ice Hockey and Blades of Steel for the original Nintendo. Now those were fun. Ice Hockey had simple controls and just enough variety. You could build your team from three different body types - skinny, fat, and regular - and each of those dictated how fast or tough they were. Simple, no nonsense. Even the fights were cartoonish and uncomplicated.

Circle of life: Fat people can push skinny people-- if they can catch up to them! Regs are equal opportunity victim and oppressor.

Blades of Steel acted as the "serious" counterpart, integrating more realistic player models and slightly harder scoring mechanics, but still managing to be fun to play. The environments were more detailed and fights could be picked by bumping specific players repeatedly (hey, who said team sports don't have an air of homoeroticism?) until you were drawn into a one-on-one fist fight. At the time, this and the "talkie" aspect (where it would actually have voice audio "saying things like "Blades of Steel" and "hit the pole!" (more homoeroticism?)) was enough to elicit a drool-dripping "cuhhhoooool!" from any young kid regardless if he cared for the sport of hockey or not.

"Cuhhhoooool! Slurp."

Now, you might say, "That was the original Nintendo, every game was that simple-- in terms of newer generation consoles, this countermands your earlier assertion about the dated technology's need to blah blah blah ..." And to that I respond by pointing out that the intangible qualities of the genre like a sparse control scheme minimal application of official hockey rules could have been preserved. Console games are a departure from reality, a fantasy we like to manipulate and enjoy. When you start adding bullshit like "icing" (seriously, what the fuck does that rule even mean? Wait, don't tell me because I don't care) and games retain the sleep-inducing low scores of their real life counterparts, it just destroys any appeal that casual fans might have.

Dear Casual Player: Which hockey icing looks more delicious to you?

And here I address the issue of hockey games and newer generation consoles. Just five years ago Midway put out the last of its great hockey games, NHL Hitz 20-03. The Hitz series was the epitome of a great gaming experience for a casual or non-fan of a sport (Mark Clayton does not follow professional hockey and will not, at least until he can score touchdowns in it). It combined fast-paced action with easy hitting and even easier scoring. One could even go so far as to devote themselves exclusively to beating the crap out of the opposing team members or racking up more goals in a single period than a real player would score in his entire career. Essentially, you could turn off the ridiculous, nonsensical rules and proceed to shit all over that traditional, boring mindset. See, that's fun.

In case it didn't dawn on you, 20-03 stood for 2003, and was made in 2002, so there hasn't been a game like it in six years. Every game I've ever dared to play since then has been locked into rigid standards and banalities of the real life sport, resulting in a deflated and disappointing experience each time.

Typical experience of playing a current hockey game.

Mark Clayton has already spent more time telling you about this than I had playing in the December 6, 1992, Dolphins game at San Francisco in which we lost 3-27 and I had only one catch for eight yards. Eight yards! Let me tell you, it was no picnic, and neither is this.

Now, this is a picnic!

Just Sayin': The Kardashian Sex Tape: This is a ball Mark Duper would never have dropped

Mark Duper doesn't want to get inappropriate here, but he finally saw this so-called "sex tape" with Kim Kardashian and some moron who calls himself "Ray J" (or something thereof), and the wasted opportunity that was before me was so anger-inducing, that I absolutely had to write a blog about it.

Now look, again, Mark Duper is not trying to say anything that I wouldn't want Dan Marino's kids reading. But seriously, this Ray J tool needs to be stood up against a wall so that every guy in America can line up, and one by one slap this guy in the face. Why? If you're asking why, then you simply haven't seen this unbelievably disappointing, blue-ball of a sex-tape.

Not safe for the little eyes.

This is not to say that the Pam Anderson or Paris Hilton video's were not disappointing in their own right, because they were. But there is something understandable about a celebrity of their stature not quite "taking it like a pro" (if I may be so blunt with my phrases), just as it would be equally understandable if this video suffered from the same below-average performance by its lead female star. However, in this unique once-in-a-lifetime case, Kim Kardashian, (the celebrity with arguably the greatest, most perfect ass in all of Hollywood), is clearly willing to go all-out in her taped sexual escapade, essentially leaving it up to Captain Idiot to decide whether this video is in fact going to be a gift from the heavens, or a completely wasted golden opportunity. (And in case my euphemisms haven't been clear to this point), this miserably lame, fucking imbecile named "Ray J," made damn sure to waste this moment in the sun for all of us, with his absolutely unacceptable leadership in the bedroom.

Taking it like a pro.

Imagine being down by 4 points with only 2 minutes to go, no timeouts... you've got me and my brother-in-arms, Mark Clayton, lined up as wideouts. You've got Tony Nathan in the backfield, with Richmond Webb and Dwight Stephenson leading the O-line. All you need now is Dan "The Man" Marino to pilot the ship and bring this thing home. But he goes down, leaving you with Scott Secules to take his place. (Who?) So sure, you have 10 of the 11 necessary players to formulate the perfect comeback, but what happens without that one key position? Well, on 2nd and 17 (after a sack) Secules throws an interception returned for a touchdown.

Scott Secules: Totally not made up.

My analogy basically means that this sex tape isn't disappointing because of setting, or lighting, or unflattering night-vision. No, all the more likely reasons for this scenario to fail could not have been more perfectly in place. It's unforgivably disappointing because what could have been (and by all rights SHOULD have been) the greatest, most amazing celebrity sex-tape to ever grace our internet, was ruined by the one thing that shouldn't have even been an issue at all: the guy.

You see, Ms. Kardashian somehow found the one-in-a-million guy who apparently thinks that the "doggy-style" position is best performed with the female laying flat on her stomach. Well, Mr. J, I'm here to tell you that there is absolutely no scenario, ever, that justifies this as being the case. I don't care what the girl looks like, or what she's got back there, if you are opting for this position, never will there be a reason to have the girl lay flat on her stomach... ever. That doesn't even make sense, considering that by definition alone, she can't be laying flat like that. As Freddie "Money In The" Banks would say: back arched, ass out! Ray, what the fuck, dude? Seriously?

Artist's crude rendering of Ray J's "doggy style".

But what is much, much worse than that, is when you are the chosen one, the lone man selected for one of the most sought after fantasies in modern, scandalous sex-tape history... and somehow this is how you give back to a million envious men who are forced to live vicariously through you. You, Ray J, should be ashamed of your performance for the team, not proud of any personal victory.

Mark Duper doesn't celebrate with a touchdown dance if the play was called back for a penalty. Just sayin'.

Mark Clayton Revisits Mega Man 9 Demo, Still Angry

Mega Man 9: Not cool, not cool at all.

Mark Clayton would hate to punctuate a landslide rout of a game by catching another touchdown pass from Dan Marino, but I actually wouldn't hate to. Dan can pass to me till we're rolling wheel chairs downfield in the SCFL (Senior Citizen Football League).

I should admit that I didn't actually go back and play the shit-tastical screwfest that was Mega Man 9-- I meant "revisit" in the sense that when you're pissed off and you turn back and say, "and another thing..." That's how this is. I can't shake my absolute disgust for this stupid game.

Not even the famous "Ickey Shuffle" can shake off this disgust.

A retro cool game like this oughtta be a great throwback, not something you want to throw back (then chase after, push to the ground, and kick repeatedly). It was supposed to complement the memory of all those wonderful growth years of video games, the formidable rise of King Nintendo. Instead, it just reminds me of the cheap death taint that was so prevalent because for game designers back then it was the only thing they knew to do. And that's it. See, Mark Clayton played through the early Mega Man games he had, soldiering through all the unfair bullshit. I even beat one of them, for good measure.

Yes, this game is no different from Mega Mans 1-7 or 8 or whatever. It's Dynasty Warriors (a redundant, repetitious game series that has been through the paces without any real substantive change through a ridiculous number of sequels and spin-offs) before Dynasty Warriors was even a pixel in its creator's eye. The earliest renditions were palatable for the time because it was all we got-- that was the best product that could be made with the available technology and budget. It angers me that they saved millions of dollars by developing this new one exactly like an original NES game, even down to the sound. And of all those millions of dollars saved, why couldn't any of it have gone in to adding a dash of innovation to make the game play just a bit -- oh, I don't know -- fun?

A whole tunnel o' fun, which this game is not.

Mark Duper made a good point about how the "new" Bionic Commando game, another retro-retread, has at least been optimized for HD (though not game play in Mark Clayton's eyes, but that's another blog).

Do graphics this chin-slobberingly cool really need an upgrade to HD?

This Mega Man game, though, basically ripped off its predecessors in every conceivable way it could manage and not in a good way either. Sure, the crap they put out back in 1987 may have been fun, but pretending it'll fly nowadays -- is just a pile of shit.

Mark Clayton's Mega Man 9 Demo in a Nutshell (PS3)

Cheap death. Cheap death. Deleted from hard drive.

Like this, but even more stupid and disappointing.

Capcom will cash in on the retro appeal and cheap production costs, but not because of Mark Clayton.

The "New" Madden NFL: Just Because We Keep Playing it, Doesn't Mean Mark Duper Doesn't think it Sucks.

The difference between EA Sports and Mark Duper, is that when Mark Duper tells you that there is only one leading receiver in yardage for the Miami Dolphins, he isn't selling you free donuts when he tells you it's him. But ever since EA Sports bought out the contract for sole use of the NFL license back in 2005, longtime fans of NFL-based video games have had no other choice but to purchase this yearly box of snake-oil.

EA snake-oil salesmen with their latest scam.

If it weren't enough to completely isolate, ignore, and completely crap all over the massive fan base of the 2K games, (as well as every other NFL-licensed video game prior to the 2005 season... including Tecmo Super Bowl, featuring yours truly), EA has continued to have the nerve to slap us all in the face annually, with each newest and shiniest installment of the same boring, lifelessly text-driven, soullessly un-emotional game that essentially cost them the crown in the first place.

See 1:16 for fellow Marks Brother #83

Mark Duper doesn't like to brag, but his 217 yard performance against the Jets back in '85 is still a team record. It was my first game back after a devastating leg injury, and my fans came ready to witness the spectacle. That was real life, and it was exciting. Mark Duper understands the difference between real life and video games, however, there is no reason you can't convey some level of drama with such events in the video game world. Consider the fact that in 1990's Tecmo Super Bowl, when a player came back from an injury, before the next game there would be a quaint little animation showing a generic looking, pixelated player, waving goodbye to a generic looking, pixelated nurse, as she stood in front of a little white square with a red cross on it, signifying his return from the hospital. There was even fairly uplifting music, (in classic video-game-music fashion of course), helping remind you, the player, of the fact that one of your stars was now coming back to help lead your team to victory. In 2008's Madden game, there is absolutely nothing to even inform you of a player's return from an injury, let alone something that might emotionalize such an event.

Just like in real life, except for the sad career-ending part.

Now look, Mark Duper realizes that to create a scary parallel world, where we dramatize a career-ending, fictional injury to a multi-millionaire, highly regarded athlete, would be absolutely inappropriate. However, that shouldn't mean to strip our video game down to nothing but text and terrible "hip" music. The new Madden game is about as exciting as reading about Mark Duper's performance in the newspaper the next day... in a newspaper written in vague, generic statements, with no direct references to Mark Duper or his team.

Player excited about performance. Points scored.

Year after year, Madden programmers and developers boast about the new "weapon system" and all sorts of other nonsense that are moot points. They refuse to understand that we don't want a "quarterback vision cone," we want to see ESPN-style highlights after big plays, we want halftime shows, cheerleaders and all. We want fireworks, realistic broadcast replays, and detailed analysis that actually references your game... not general statements that repeat each time, regardless of who you are or who you're playing. It's rather pathetic actually, especially when you consider that the game which finally upset the mighty Madden, four long years ago, had every single one of the features I just mentioned. In fact, ESPN NFL 2K5 actually still has an underground following, simply because it's the last time you got to see such seemless, fun gameplay, mixed with unprecedented broadcast realism and visuals.

But no, EA just doesn't get it, and instead they add all sorts of fancy new bells and whistles to a bike that no one wants to ride, but there are no other bikes, and it's a long road ahead. Listen, you can't put a number "85" jersey on Scott Schwedes and expect him to produce like Mark Duper... but if he's the only receiver to throw to, what choice does Dan Marino have?

There is no doubt that at any given moment within a game of Madden, (especially in 1080p High Definition magic), it truly looks awesome. And if you are just playing against your little brother and his friends over and over again, it's great. In that kind of a setting, you aren't seeking the kind of realism that this game has lacked for almost a decade now. And no, Mark Duper isn't talking about realism as in, "you must be facing the correct way with your quarterback to throw the ball, otherwise it will be utterly inaccurate." I am talking about the kind of realism that whisks you away into another world, where you can actually feel the emotion, anxiety, and drama that comes from getting your team to the playoffs... or the realism of being a fan at home, watching the weekly highlights on ESPN.

You, your little brother, and his friends playing an early Madden game.

Come to think of it, EA, what the hell happened to the crappy pre-game show you've had all the way until this year's game? It was better than nothing, because nothing is what we got with this Madden, in the year 2008. Let's have some jets fly above or something! (...and no, not "Jets," as in, the team who chose Reggie McElroy with the 52nd pick in the '82 draft, leaving me for Miami to take next.) (Who? Exactly.)

No, not even a picture will help you remember who Reggie McElroy was.

Other than looking at stats, words, and a bunch of numbers on a screen, this game leaves no other reason for someone to waste their time in a 30-year franchise mode borefest, taking their favorite team to the Super Bowl, only to have the biggest game in all of sports look, feel, sound, and play exactly like any other game they have played in, including pre-season... that is ridiculous.

By continuing to butcher anything resembling emotion in your games, I ask you this, EA Sports; If, "Its In The Game," then why isn't it actually, in the game?

In conclusion, Mark Duper realizes he wasn't around anymore by the time Joe Montana's Sportstalk Football came out... but even so, he didn't like that game as much as everyone else. He was busy playing Madden '92. So it's amusing that now, ironically, Mr. Mark "Super" Duper only plays Madden '09 because he's got no other choice.

The trash can is wide open!

Mark Clayton Played Your Demo... Mercenaries 2 (PS3)

Crap

So, Mark Clayton played your Mercenaries 2 demo for PS3 and hated it. After watching preview videos and reading about the game, I was excited about it, alright. Now, having suffered through the demo that was supposedly designed to convince gamers to buy it, I can rest assured that I will have $60 for a game that is actually enjoyable.

Things just start off bad. There you are on top of this hill: okay, "do this and that" garbles the voice on the radio. Wait, what? I'm supposed to bring the what to the who now? Can't I just blow some stuff up and shoot bad guys?

Fuck it, I'm just gonna blow some stuff up and shoot bad guys. But I can't because the weapons are total crap for accuracy. I don't understand why they would bother letting you zoom in on anything when all that does is show you how piss-poor your long distance aim is. Of course, now that I've opened fire, everybody knows where I am and have started shooting at me with everything they've got: machine guns, mounted guns, emplaced guns, rocket launchers, tanks, etc. Needless to say - even though Mark Clayton is still gonna say it! - I don't last very long before getting killed by an off screen attacker.

Okay, so upon restarting, one of the little onscreen suggestions that I notice is that I should grab some better firepower. The jeeps I see rolling around have machine guns mounted on them so I decide I should try to jack one. I get the attention of an attacking jeep and, after I finally manage to shoot the gunner and driver, I hop in, ready for payback. This victory is short lived, though, because a gunjeep in this game is fucking useless without both a driver and a gunner. Case in point: in order to use the gun, I have to pull up to shooting range (for me and them) then I have to hop out and re-enter at the rear of the jeep where the gun is mounted. (Also worth mentioning is that in order to make their "rolling C-4 bomb" mechanic work in the game, every time you jump out of a jeep that has even the smallest forward momentum, it will keep rolling to the horizon like Mark Clayton heading for the end zone. So, trying to place the jeep at a distance requires a full stop before exiting.) I can squeeze off some shots before some enemy I can't even see blows the stupid jeep to hell.

On my next life a jeep driver rams into me and something explosive finishes the job.

With the following attempt I scout around and come across a tank. Somehow, the omniscient tank driver sees me approaching even though I'm coming up from behind. Before the turret can rotate around and fire on me, I manage to hit the "hijack" button. Incredulously, this starts a button-tapping frenzy where my character is struggling to wrest a grenade from the clutches of a tank crewman. After a successful effort, I knock the crewman back into the turret of the tank and toss the grenade in with him. Immediately following the explosion, I hop in and take control of the tank. This scenario inspires some puzzling questions:

1. What? Really?
   
2. Why is the tank driver's first line of close quarters defense a grenade? Was that the first thing he was able to grab? No pistols or a blunt object lying about?
   
3. You can explode a grenade inside a tank and still drive it afterward?
4. You would want to drive a tank lined with the viscera of a tank crew?

If you cannot see the stupidity in this "let me sneak up on this tank by climbing the length of the barrel" screenshot, then Mark Clayton implores you to forcefully punch yourself in the kidneys:

"Don't mind me, guys!"

Okay, so let's just accept that because now we've got a tank that we can use to randomly blow shit up. Except that we can't totally, because the damn thing is about as accurate and mobile as an armless former Dolphins quarterback. What fun is it to have to require a protractor and graphing calculator on hand to maneuver and actually hit anything?

I swear I did not edit this video still of an armless Joey "Shitbird" Harrington

And another thing: Who the hell thought it was a good idea to limit the ammo for vehicle weapons? It's bad enough I've got to take 3-4 shots at something before any success, but I'm gonna run out of ammo, too?

Actually, no. See, Mercenaries 2's developer's concept of a "fun" video game tank has to completely fuck up what a common perception might be. Before your tank can ever get close to running out of ammo, an unseen enemy will - to your complete surprise - blow the damn thing up.

I think that pretty much sums up this game: your expectations completely shat on, then death by unseen enemy.

Demo Review Rating: 1 old neglected tire

Mark Clayton is Just Sayin': Singstar Edition

Mark Clayton would never, ever buy a game with such an unforgivingly blatant douchebag just screaming to be punched in the face on its cover.

Just sayin' is all...

***UPDATE!!!***
Mark Duper concurs.

Game trailer tries to pull one over on Mark Clayton, fails

Mark Clayton knows that the new trailer for Call of Duty: World at War is wettin' the pants of many a gamer nerd. But Mark Clayton is not fooled. I should know, I'm one of the few receivers to have caught touchdown passes from both Dan Marino and Brett Favre. I can tell when someone's trying to pull the wool over on me. Allow me to make my case. Here's Exhibit A:



Now can anyone tell Mark Clayton what any of this means? What the fuck did I just see that relates to a game that I can actually play? It looks like a cut scene crossed with an MTV special and a soda commercial (what?). I call bullshit! Hey ref, where's my flag? (Don't you know who I am?)

How difficult would it have been to show actual fucking gameplay instead of the cocaine-addled manic stupidity that went into this trailer? Can Mark Clayton make his case without constantly asking rhetorical questions? Yes.

First of all, don't release it as a video called "Four player co-op" if it isn't going to make even the weakest effort to portray that. I see cut scenes, pseudo-slick edits, Hollywood slo-mo cheese, and a bunch of random characters, some of which are described as being players with stupid gamer tags.

JuggaJ: player with stupid gamer tag

There's no continuity in what I'm seeing, I can't tell if the supposed players are fighting Nazis and Americans or other Russians. And for four people playing co-operatively, this video displays about as much teamwork as my 1991 Dolphins, whose 8-8 record precipitated the team's stronghold in mediocrity.

The clip cuts so fast (but not like Mark Clayton on an outside slant) like it actually expects you to go back and freeze frame to understand what any of the split second text information says. The only clear text is at the very beginning, where it tells you that it's supposedly four people playing a campaign mission together. Watching this video in one play through, it looks like there's 14 characters playing as Russians and Germans and Canadians and they're all running around and getting shot at and freeze-framing and blowing up. One more rhetorical question for you: Who can tell?

Fuck this stupid trailer.

Preview Rating: Two crumpled, dirty socks

Just Sayin': Mark Clayton hates Smallville even more now

As if Mark Clayton wasn't already firmly entrenched in his belief that the brainless Superman drama Smallville is utter and total horseshit series-unseen, I see this on the tv.com homepage:

Seriously?

Seriously??

Is that what super-heroes would look like in real life? No wonder there aren't any-- they can't get past the stink of local high school talent show production values? It even looks like they're standing outside the high school where they were rehearsing (was it the latest production of Captain Goldfish and 1950's French Burglar Girl Meet Random Arm Strap Man?).

This pass sailed way over Mark Clayton's head.

Are those Dolphins colors? This gets even worse.

Mark Clayton is still annoyed with DC Universe Online

So Mark Clayton thought maybe you could see some video of what he was talking about. Instead of searching the YouTube for highlights of the Dolphins' 37-31 win over Cleveland on December 12, 1988, where I passed Nat Moore's record for passes in a consecutive game (that was 37, because you were wondering), I found you a choice specimen of the asshattery that is DCUO and its promotional efforts.

Promotion... or demotion?

Someone over at AssHat games thought it would be a brilliant idea to film a promotional video of some guy talking about the game while sitting in front of a TV showing other people talking about the game. Mark Clayton's favorite part: that same guy speaking appears in the video behind him.

Asshat meet Asshat.

Mark Clayton became further annoyed when this guy tried to say that

"This is the first time that you're gonna get to step in that universe. You always had to watch at a distance before."

He must have been referring to all those (mostly shitty) games where you could actually play as the character. This is akin to getting an NFL game and having to play as a fake team instead of the Miami Dolphins. Mark Clayton just made you say "Damn!"

I tell you, if I was a big a fan of Mark Clayton (and I am), I'd want to play as him, not make my own "Mark Claydupe" and then try to be buddies with him so I'd have an excuse to see him in my game. I understand that this is a MMORPG and that causes them to have to adjust the gameplay options, but still, why have a video that shows nothing but these characters you can't play as?

Review Rating Redux: 1 open can of tuna

DC Universe Online, off Mark Clayton's radar

Can Mark Clayton be honest here? Of course I can, I'm on the list of the NFL's top 50 in receiving yards. So I watched this video for DC Universe Online and was thoroughly unimpressed. I guess it's always been a dream of some comic nerds to play virtual dress-up with their superheroes a la World of Warcraft. The developers solve the issue of "I wanna be Batman x 5,000,000" by not letting anyone of those idiots be Batman. So, you create your own character for a world populated by the characters you'd rather be, but can't. That's like wanting to be Dan Marino and throw 18 TD passes to Mark Clayton in a single season, but having to play as Damon Huard (or Ray Lucas) instead. This is basically City of Heroes and that other game like it, City of Heroes 2, but with more destructable environments. That's just not good enough.

The worst part about this has to be the ridiculous herky-jerky animation of every character featured in the video. They move more awkwardly than Dan Marino on a quartback sneak. Not helping this any is the stupidly cartoonish depictions of DC's heroes and villains. See, they're already comic books, in a sense cartoonish. The transition to video game form shouldn't result in stupidly cartoonish.

Stupidly cartoonish.

Mark Clayton should be done with this right now - and in a way he is - but there's still the issue of the game's graphics that needs to be addressed. Mark Clayton thinks the graphics are jaw-droppingly gorgeous in its detail-- for the Original Xbox.

Batman: Glad to not be played by You.

We can already see where this game is heading. Mark Clayton thinks it best to just run out the clock and wait until next season.

Preview Review Rating: 1 can of tuna