Wednesday, September 24, 2008

The "New" Madden NFL: Just Because We Keep Playing it, Doesn't Mean Mark Duper Doesn't think it Sucks.

The difference between EA Sports and Mark Duper, is that when Mark Duper tells you that there is only one leading receiver in yardage for the Miami Dolphins, he isn't selling you free donuts when he tells you it's him. But ever since EA Sports bought out the contract for sole use of the NFL license back in 2005, longtime fans of NFL-based video games have had no other choice but to purchase this yearly box of snake-oil.

EA snake-oil salesmen with their latest scam.


If it weren't enough to completely isolate, ignore, and completely crap all over the massive fan base of the 2K games, (as well as every other NFL-licensed video game prior to the 2005 season... including Tecmo Super Bowl, featuring yours truly), EA has continued to have the nerve to slap us all in the face annually, with each newest and shiniest installment of the same boring, lifelessly text-driven, soullessly un-emotional game that essentially cost them the crown in the first place.

See 1:16 for fellow Marks Brother #83


Mark Duper doesn't like to brag, but his 217 yard performance against the Jets back in '85 is still a team record. It was my first game back after a devastating leg injury, and my fans came ready to witness the spectacle. That was real life, and it was exciting. Mark Duper understands the difference between real life and video games, however, there is no reason you can't convey some level of drama with such events in the video game world. Consider the fact that in 1990's Tecmo Super Bowl, when a player came back from an injury, before the next game there would be a quaint little animation showing a generic looking, pixelated player, waving goodbye to a generic looking, pixelated nurse, as she stood in front of a little white square with a red cross on it, signifying his return from the hospital. There was even fairly uplifting music, (in classic video-game-music fashion of course), helping remind you, the player, of the fact that one of your stars was now coming back to help lead your team to victory. In 2008's Madden game, there is absolutely nothing to even inform you of a player's return from an injury, let alone something that might emotionalize such an event.

Just like in real life, except for the sad career-ending part.


Now look, Mark Duper realizes that to create a scary parallel world, where we dramatize a career-ending, fictional injury to a multi-millionaire, highly regarded athlete, would be absolutely inappropriate. However, that shouldn't mean to strip our video game down to nothing but text and terrible "hip" music. The new Madden game is about as exciting as reading about Mark Duper's performance in the newspaper the next day... in a newspaper written in vague, generic statements, with no direct references to Mark Duper or his team.

Player excited about performance. Points scored.


Year after year, Madden programmers and developers boast about the new "weapon system" and all sorts of other nonsense that are moot points. They refuse to understand that we don't want a "quarterback vision cone," we want to see ESPN-style highlights after big plays, we want halftime shows, cheerleaders and all. We want fireworks, realistic broadcast replays, and detailed analysis that actually references your game... not general statements that repeat each time, regardless of who you are or who you're playing. It's rather pathetic actually, especially when you consider that the game which finally upset the mighty Madden, four long years ago, had every single one of the features I just mentioned. In fact, ESPN NFL 2K5 actually still has an underground following, simply because it's the last time you got to see such seemless, fun gameplay, mixed with unprecedented broadcast realism and visuals.

But no, EA just doesn't get it, and instead they add all sorts of fancy new bells and whistles to a bike that no one wants to ride, but there are no other bikes, and it's a long road ahead. Listen, you can't put a number "85" jersey on Scott Schwedes and expect him to produce like Mark Duper... but if he's the only receiver to throw to, what choice does Dan Marino have?


There is no doubt that at any given moment within a game of Madden, (especially in 1080p High Definition magic), it truly looks awesome. And if you are just playing against your little brother and his friends over and over again, it's great. In that kind of a setting, you aren't seeking the kind of realism that this game has lacked for almost a decade now. And no, Mark Duper isn't talking about realism as in, "you must be facing the correct way with your quarterback to throw the ball, otherwise it will be utterly inaccurate." I am talking about the kind of realism that whisks you away into another world, where you can actually feel the emotion, anxiety, and drama that comes from getting your team to the playoffs... or the realism of being a fan at home, watching the weekly highlights on ESPN.

You, your little brother, and his friends playing an early Madden game.


Come to think of it, EA, what the hell happened to the crappy pre-game show you've had all the way until this year's game? It was better than nothing, because nothing is what we got with this Madden, in the year 2008. Let's have some jets fly above or something! (...and no, not "Jets," as in, the team who chose Reggie McElroy with the 52nd pick in the '82 draft, leaving me for Miami to take next.) (Who? Exactly.)

No, not even a picture will help you remember who Reggie McElroy was.


Other than looking at stats, words, and a bunch of numbers on a screen, this game leaves no other reason for someone to waste their time in a 30-year franchise mode borefest, taking their favorite team to the Super Bowl, only to have the biggest game in all of sports look, feel, sound, and play exactly like any other game they have played in, including pre-season... that is ridiculous.


By continuing to butcher anything resembling emotion in your games, I ask you this, EA Sports; If, "Its In The Game," then why isn't it actually, in the game?


In conclusion, Mark Duper realizes he wasn't around anymore by the time Joe Montana's Sportstalk Football came out... but even so, he didn't like that game as much as everyone else. He was busy playing Madden '92. So it's amusing that now, ironically, Mr. Mark "Super" Duper only plays Madden '09 because he's got no other choice.

The trash can is wide open!

Monday, September 22, 2008

Mark Clayton Played Your Demo... Mercenaries 2 (PS3)

Crap

So, Mark Clayton played your Mercenaries 2 demo for PS3 and hated it. After watching preview videos and reading about the game, I was excited about it, alright. Now, having suffered through the demo that was supposedly designed to convince gamers to buy it, I can rest assured that I will have $60 for a game that is actually enjoyable.

Things just start off bad. There you are on top of this hill: okay, "do this and that" garbles the voice on the radio. Wait, what? I'm supposed to bring the what to the who now? Can't I just blow some stuff up and shoot bad guys?

Fuck it, I'm just gonna blow some stuff up and shoot bad guys. But I can't because the weapons are total crap for accuracy. I don't understand why they would bother letting you zoom in on anything when all that does is show you how piss-poor your long distance aim is. Of course, now that I've opened fire, everybody knows where I am and have started shooting at me with everything they've got: machine guns, mounted guns, emplaced guns, rocket launchers, tanks, etc. Needless to say - even though Mark Clayton is still gonna say it! - I don't last very long before getting killed by an off screen attacker.

Okay, so upon restarting, one of the little onscreen suggestions that I notice is that I should grab some better firepower. The jeeps I see rolling around have machine guns mounted on them so I decide I should try to jack one. I get the attention of an attacking jeep and, after I finally manage to shoot the gunner and driver, I hop in, ready for payback. This victory is short lived, though, because a gunjeep in this game is fucking useless without both a driver and a gunner. Case in point: in order to use the gun, I have to pull up to shooting range (for me and them) then I have to hop out and re-enter at the rear of the jeep where the gun is mounted. (Also worth mentioning is that in order to make their "rolling C-4 bomb" mechanic work in the game, every time you jump out of a jeep that has even the smallest forward momentum, it will keep rolling to the horizon like Mark Clayton heading for the end zone. So, trying to place the jeep at a distance requires a full stop before exiting.) I can squeeze off some shots before some enemy I can't even see blows the stupid jeep to hell.

On my next life a jeep driver rams into me and something explosive finishes the job.

With the following attempt I scout around and come across a tank. Somehow, the omniscient tank driver sees me approaching even though I'm coming up from behind. Before the turret can rotate around and fire on me, I manage to hit the "hijack" button. Incredulously, this starts a button-tapping frenzy where my character is struggling to wrest a grenade from the clutches of a tank crewman. After a successful effort, I knock the crewman back into the turret of the tank and toss the grenade in with him. Immediately following the explosion, I hop in and take control of the tank. This scenario inspires some puzzling questions:
  1. What? Really?
  2. Why is the tank driver's first line of close quarters defense a grenade? Was that the first thing he was able to grab? No pistols or a blunt object lying about?
  3. You can explode a grenade inside a tank and still drive it afterward?
  4. You would want to drive a tank lined with the viscera of a tank crew?
If you cannot see the stupidity in this "let me sneak up on this tank by climbing the length of the barrel" screenshot, then Mark Clayton implores you to forcefully punch yourself in the kidneys:

"Don't mind me, guys!"


Okay, so let's just accept that because now we've got a tank that we can use to randomly blow shit up. Except that we can't totally, because the damn thing is about as accurate and mobile as an armless former Dolphins quarterback. What fun is it to have to require a protractor and graphing calculator on hand to maneuver and actually hit anything?

I swear I did not edit this video still of an armless Joey "Shitbird" Harrington

And another thing: Who the hell thought it was a good idea to limit the ammo for vehicle weapons? It's bad enough I've got to take 3-4 shots at something before any success, but I'm gonna run out of ammo, too?

Actually, no. See, Mercenaries 2's developer's concept of a "fun" video game tank has to completely fuck up what a common perception might be. Before your tank can ever get close to running out of ammo, an unseen enemy will - to your complete surprise - blow the damn thing up.

I think that pretty much sums up this game: your expectations completely shat on, then death by unseen enemy.

Demo Review Rating: 1 old neglected tire

Friday, September 19, 2008

Mark Clayton is Just Sayin': Singstar Edition

Mark Clayton would never, ever buy a game with such an unforgivingly blatant douchebag just screaming to be punched in the face on its cover.


Just sayin' is all...

***UPDATE!!!***
Mark Duper concurs.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Game trailer tries to pull one over on Mark Clayton, fails

Mark Clayton knows that the new trailer for Call of Duty: World at War is wettin' the pants of many a gamer nerd. But Mark Clayton is not fooled. I should know, I'm one of the few receivers to have caught touchdown passes from both Dan Marino and Brett Favre. I can tell when someone's trying to pull the wool over on me. Allow me to make my case. Here's Exhibit A:



Now can anyone tell Mark Clayton what any of this means? What the fuck did I just see that relates to a game that I can actually play? It looks like a cut scene crossed with an MTV special and a soda commercial (what?). I call bullshit! Hey ref, where's my flag? (Don't you know who I am?)

How difficult would it have been to show actual fucking gameplay instead of the cocaine-addled manic stupidity that went into this trailer? Can Mark Clayton make his case without constantly asking rhetorical questions? Yes.

First of all, don't release it as a video called "Four player co-op" if it isn't going to make even the weakest effort to portray that. I see cut scenes, pseudo-slick edits, Hollywood slo-mo cheese, and a bunch of random characters, some of which are described as being players with stupid gamer tags.


JuggaJ: player with stupid gamer tag

There's no continuity in what I'm seeing, I can't tell if the supposed players are fighting Nazis and Americans or other Russians. And for four people playing co-operatively, this video displays about as much teamwork as my 1991 Dolphins, whose 8-8 record precipitated the team's stronghold in mediocrity.

The clip cuts so fast (but not like Mark Clayton on an outside slant) like it actually expects you to go back and freeze frame to understand what any of the split second text information says. The only clear text is at the very beginning, where it tells you that it's supposedly four people playing a campaign mission together. Watching this video in one play through, it looks like there's 14 characters playing as Russians and Germans and Canadians and they're all running around and getting shot at and freeze-framing and blowing up. One more rhetorical question for you: Who can tell?

Fuck this stupid trailer.

Preview Rating: Two crumpled, dirty socks

Just Sayin': Mark Clayton hates Smallville even more now

As if Mark Clayton wasn't already firmly entrenched in his belief that the brainless Superman drama Smallville is utter and total horseshit series-unseen, I see this on the tv.com homepage:



Seriously?

Seriously??

Is that what super-heroes would look like in real life? No wonder there aren't any-- they can't get past the stink of local high school talent show production values? It even looks like they're standing outside the high school where they were rehearsing (was it the latest production of Captain Goldfish and 1950's French Burglar Girl Meet Random Arm Strap Man?).

This pass sailed way over Mark Clayton's head.

Are those Dolphins colors? This gets even worse.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Mark Clayton is still annoyed with DC Universe Online

So Mark Clayton thought maybe you could see some video of what he was talking about. Instead of searching the YouTube for highlights of the Dolphins' 37-31 win over Cleveland on December 12, 1988, where I passed Nat Moore's record for passes in a consecutive game (that was 37, because you were wondering), I found you a choice specimen of the asshattery that is DCUO and its promotional efforts.





Promotion... or demotion?



Someone over at AssHat games thought it would be a brilliant idea to film a promotional video of some guy talking about the game while sitting in front of a TV showing other people talking about the game. Mark Clayton's favorite part: that same guy speaking appears in the video behind him.


Asshat meet Asshat.


Mark Clayton became further annoyed when this guy tried to say that
"This is the first time that you're gonna get to step in that universe. You always had to watch at a distance before."

He must have been referring to all those (mostly shitty) games where you could actually play as the character. This is akin to getting an NFL game and having to play as a fake team instead of the Miami Dolphins. Mark Clayton just made you say "Damn!"

I tell you, if I was a big a fan of Mark Clayton (and I am), I'd want to play as him, not make my own "Mark Claydupe" and then try to be buddies with him so I'd have an excuse to see him in my game. I understand that this is a MMORPG and that causes them to have to adjust the gameplay options, but still, why have a video that shows nothing but these characters you can't play as?

Review Rating Redux: 1 open can of tuna




Monday, September 8, 2008

DC Universe Online, off Mark Clayton's radar

Can Mark Clayton be honest here? Of course I can, I'm on the list of the NFL's top 50 in receiving yards. So I watched this video for DC Universe Online and was thoroughly unimpressed. I guess it's always been a dream of some comic nerds to play virtual dress-up with their superheroes a la World of Warcraft. The developers solve the issue of "I wanna be Batman x 5,000,000" by not letting anyone of those idiots be Batman. So, you create your own character for a world populated by the characters you'd rather be, but can't. That's like wanting to be Dan Marino and throw 18 TD passes to Mark Clayton in a single season, but having to play as Damon Huard (or Ray Lucas) instead. This is basically City of Heroes and that other game like it, City of Heroes 2, but with more destructable environments. That's just not good enough.

The worst part about this has to be the ridiculous herky-jerky animation of every character featured in the video. They move more awkwardly than Dan Marino on a quartback sneak. Not helping this any is the stupidly cartoonish depictions of DC's heroes and villains. See, they're already comic books, in a sense cartoonish. The transition to video game form shouldn't result in stupidly cartoonish.


Stupidly cartoonish.


Mark Clayton should be done with this right now - and in a way he is - but there's still the issue of the game's graphics that needs to be addressed. Mark Clayton thinks the graphics are jaw-droppingly gorgeous in its detail-- for the Original Xbox.


Batman: Glad to not be played by You.


We can already see where this game is heading. Mark Clayton thinks it best to just run out the clock and wait until next season.

Preview Review Rating: 1 can of tuna