Re: Mark Clayton just saw The Foot Fist Way...

My brother, Mark Clayton, it's me Mark Duper! I'm in the process of writing a review for another "artsey-esque" movie that bothered me, (although I still kinda liked it), but before I get to finishing that, I wanted to comment on your hatred of this movie [ see previous post. - M.C. ]. Well, actually, not really on this movie so much, because I have never even heard of this film in which you speak. (But thanks for lettin' me know it's right up there with "Better Luck Tomorrow," which to Mark Duper was among the worst films EVER in the category of, "Movies-that-truly-believe-they-are-endlessly-cool-yet-suck-uncontrollably-and-make-you-want-to-punch-everyone-who-made-it-in-the-face.")

The widescreen version fits perfectly!

But anyway, I'm actually commenting on your hatred for Napoleon Dynamite... I know where you are coming from with your opinion on this film, in fact, when I first saw it, I shared your hatred. But through time, and through the fact that I ended up coming across it on HBO several years later and watching it again, I realized something interesting: My hatred for that movie, wasn't so much from the movie itself, but from the appraisal it received. The disgusting "hip" vote that it got was again, something that made me want to punch many, many people in the face. It was so full of itself that I fucking hated it. (Another quick example of this is "Juno".) I fucking hate these movies that are so aware of their "coolness."

The disgusting "hip" vote.

HOWEVER, Mr. Clayton, after the smoke had settled and all the hipsters had moved onto their next Indie film to rave about, and after Napolean himself had already gone and done other movies like "Blades of Glory" and what not... after all that, I sat and watched "Napoleon Dynamite" again, and I actually liked it.

I know where you are coming from with your hatred, but if you just pretend that it never got the fame and glory it got, you'd probably like it too. There's just something about when the artsey-hip crowd embraces a film, that makes me loathe it. Ok, anyway, now back to my review on Danny Boyle's "Sunshine." To be cont'd!!!!!

Yours truly,
Mark Duper
(P.S. Don't think I don't remember that game in '87. Damn those Buffalo Bills...)

Mark Clayton just saw The Foot Fist Way...

... And highly recommends that you don't.

No, no images wasted on this heap of stinking infestation. Not even the movie poster.

The Foot Fist Way is a terrible, terrible, failure of a comedy from MTV films, known for such great powerflush shit like Save the Last Dance, How She Move, and the ever shit-tacular Better Luck Tomorrow.*** The movie is a deadpan tale about a Tae Kwon Do instructor who fails as a human being, as told through "little sketches" and musical montages. The "little sketches" entail trite, unimaginative sequences with predictable outcomes that shitty writers fall back upon because they know they just don't have to try when they're catering to the indie comedy set. ("Hey, wasn't that just awkward the way he's bein' all crazy like that?") And of course, there's the life-changing journey sequence where the main character and his rag-tag group of-- You know what? Get the fuck out of here with this tired old asshattery.

As for predictable outcomes, well, they're just packed into this. I could lay out some scenarios, then have you poke a pencil into your brain and see if you can't guess what happens, but that would be just as condescending as transferring those same things onto celluloid and calling it a "movie."

Mark Clayton can't say he really "saw" the whole thing, either. A good quarter of my time was spent fast-forwarding through those aforementioned idiotic musical montage sequences, most of them featuring completely humorless Tae Kwon Do action clips. Now ideally, it could be a highlight real of Marks Brothers touchdowns set to the tune of Aerosmith's Sweet Emotion or Heart's Barracuda and anyone would be hard-pressed not to watch, but the sequences in The Foot Fist Way were something else, dredged from the depths of Banal Filmmaking 101 or even that of local cable commercial fodder. And so unabashedly frequent, too. It seemed like every chance they got, the running time was padded with a stupid montage blasting ear-wretchingly "ironic" rock. Without them, this would've been about half an hour shorter and about ten times less bad (but still bad).

Maybe this ham-fisted production could pass its amateur cinematography, boorishly-caricatured characters, and paint-by-numbers plotline with the smarmy "it's-great-because-it-isn't" hipster set and the generally not very bright, but really, the rest of us could do a whole lot better.

Let's make an exception to the image ban.

***MTV Films is also responsible for Napoleon Dynamite, which caused Mark Clayton the deepest, darkest hatred toward any "film" he has ever had to suffer through. I would rather relive the November 29, 1987, Dolphins loss at Buffalo in which we were trounced 27-0 before watching it again.

The "New" Mega Man: Mark Duper Concurs

High-Definition graphics for Mega Man 9

Had I fully agreed with my fellow Miami Dolphins receiving record holder at the time in which he initially released his review of the "new" Mega Man game, I might not have seen a reason in writing my own blog about it. (Really, what more could have been said if I felt exactly the same?) But at that time I hadn't yet played the "new" 8-bit Mega Man game, and while I understood and even agreed to some extent with my good pal's opinions, I actually thought that I might like it when I finally decided to try it out. He and I have very different levels of tolerance when it comes to the nostalgic games of yesteryear, and therefore I thought that at the end of the day, Mark Duper would enjoy the game for all the same reasons that Mark Clayton hated it.

But again, that was before I fucking played it. "Cheap death, cheap death, deleted from hard drive." I could not have imagined beforehand how spot-on that comment would be. You have to understand that Mark Duper is someone who can and does still fire up the ol' NES emulators for some tediously difficult (and cheap) 8-bit fun, because I realize that those games were made in a different time with a whole different world of limitations. It is that underlying knowledge of things to come, however, that makes playing those old games forgivable, and in turn, entertaining, enjoyable, and (in the rarest of forms), timeless. Some of the "worst" games from our past will never lose their luster because of this fact... but after playing the "new" Mega Man and fucking despising it, I realized that the reason for this is simply because of the imprint those games left on their time, in their video game era. It is human nature to enjoy doing and seeing things from a wonderful time in our pasts... But there is something about the fact that this game was made now, and on purpose, without so much as a "wink, wink" to let us know they aren't being serious, that makes me hate it so much.

"A whole Different World of limitations"

And for fuck's sake do NOT use the "nostalgia" excuse. That excuse goes out the window immediately, considering how much respect and love I will always have for fucking nostalgia. Mark Duper didn't only buy a Nintendo Wii to impress his friends with bowling, tennis, and Guitar Hero... I also bought the damn thing so I could play all my favorite classic cheaply-difficult games, like "Contra," "Castlevania," "Super Mario Bros.," and even the original "Mega Man" games!!! So don't even use the word nostalgia, when you tell me why you like the "new" Mega Man.

Mark Duper likes to impress family and friends with his Wii.

If this fucking game had the courtesy to at the very least be more tongue-in-cheek with anything, from it's by-the-books 8-bit storyline, to it's 8-bit music, to it's use of the 8-bit graphics engine, I wouldn't be so livid with my disgust for this tripe. Hell, I might even have liked it more if they claimed it was a previously "unreleased" version of Mega Man... but the fact that this game is brand new, using old-school cheapness not out of any sort of old-school creativity based on old-school limitations, but instead as a gimmick and a selling point, is what makes me hate this game so much.

If you never played Mega Man after the first game, and I told you this game was part 2, originally released in 1989, you wouldn't even question it. Doesn't that bother anyone else but the Marks Brothers?! All I'm saying is, don't be fooled by this game's claim of re-connecting with your youth, it's really just trying to make an easy buck. (...or shall I say ten easy bucks.)

Four easy Bucs will do.

Now look, Mark Duper doesn't like to be redundant, but he does like to make his final point using some kind of irreverent reference to his lustrous career. In the original "Tecmo Bowl," there are a total of 4 plays to choose from on offense... and only 1 of them has Mark Duper running a post-route! Yet I have no problem with any of the tedium that comes with that game, and I can play it any time, using just that 1 play over and over. However, if they made a "new" Tecmo Bowl today, and purposely had all the same glitches, annoyances, and shortcomings of a game made 6 or 7 console-generations ago... I would be beside myself with anger and disappointment.

Both Marks wide open, Dan!

Mark Duper says, save your money, folks! If you're going to play a game that is ONLY fun because of it's nostalgia factor, why the hell would you need a new version of it?

Sweeping Condemnation: Hockey Video Games

Mark Clayton would like to make a sweeping condemnation of all current hockey video games: they're all for crap. What should be a fun, beating-crazy, score-fest, has become an overly technical, mirthless, precision simulator. Imagine a calculator that doesn't display "80085" (or "5318008" or even "0.7734" for that matter).

The rarer "55378008" preferred by intellectuals.

The current crop of hockey games act as a slap in the face of their predecessors like Ice Hockey and Blades of Steel for the original Nintendo. Now those were fun. Ice Hockey had simple controls and just enough variety. You could build your team from three different body types - skinny, fat, and regular - and each of those dictated how fast or tough they were. Simple, no nonsense. Even the fights were cartoonish and uncomplicated.

Circle of life: Fat people can push skinny people-- if they can catch up to them! Regs are equal opportunity victim and oppressor.

Blades of Steel acted as the "serious" counterpart, integrating more realistic player models and slightly harder scoring mechanics, but still managing to be fun to play. The environments were more detailed and fights could be picked by bumping specific players repeatedly (hey, who said team sports don't have an air of homoeroticism?) until you were drawn into a one-on-one fist fight. At the time, this and the "talkie" aspect (where it would actually have voice audio "saying things like "Blades of Steel" and "hit the pole!" (more homoeroticism?)) was enough to elicit a drool-dripping "cuhhhoooool!" from any young kid regardless if he cared for the sport of hockey or not.

"Cuhhhoooool! Slurp."

Now, you might say, "That was the original Nintendo, every game was that simple-- in terms of newer generation consoles, this countermands your earlier assertion about the dated technology's need to blah blah blah ..." And to that I respond by pointing out that the intangible qualities of the genre like a sparse control scheme minimal application of official hockey rules could have been preserved. Console games are a departure from reality, a fantasy we like to manipulate and enjoy. When you start adding bullshit like "icing" (seriously, what the fuck does that rule even mean? Wait, don't tell me because I don't care) and games retain the sleep-inducing low scores of their real life counterparts, it just destroys any appeal that casual fans might have.

Dear Casual Player: Which hockey icing looks more delicious to you?

And here I address the issue of hockey games and newer generation consoles. Just five years ago Midway put out the last of its great hockey games, NHL Hitz 20-03. The Hitz series was the epitome of a great gaming experience for a casual or non-fan of a sport (Mark Clayton does not follow professional hockey and will not, at least until he can score touchdowns in it). It combined fast-paced action with easy hitting and even easier scoring. One could even go so far as to devote themselves exclusively to beating the crap out of the opposing team members or racking up more goals in a single period than a real player would score in his entire career. Essentially, you could turn off the ridiculous, nonsensical rules and proceed to shit all over that traditional, boring mindset. See, that's fun.

In case it didn't dawn on you, 20-03 stood for 2003, and was made in 2002, so there hasn't been a game like it in six years. Every game I've ever dared to play since then has been locked into rigid standards and banalities of the real life sport, resulting in a deflated and disappointing experience each time.

Typical experience of playing a current hockey game.

Mark Clayton has already spent more time telling you about this than I had playing in the December 6, 1992, Dolphins game at San Francisco in which we lost 3-27 and I had only one catch for eight yards. Eight yards! Let me tell you, it was no picnic, and neither is this.

Now, this is a picnic!

Just Sayin': The Kardashian Sex Tape: This is a ball Mark Duper would never have dropped

Mark Duper doesn't want to get inappropriate here, but he finally saw this so-called "sex tape" with Kim Kardashian and some moron who calls himself "Ray J" (or something thereof), and the wasted opportunity that was before me was so anger-inducing, that I absolutely had to write a blog about it.

Now look, again, Mark Duper is not trying to say anything that I wouldn't want Dan Marino's kids reading. But seriously, this Ray J tool needs to be stood up against a wall so that every guy in America can line up, and one by one slap this guy in the face. Why? If you're asking why, then you simply haven't seen this unbelievably disappointing, blue-ball of a sex-tape.

Not safe for the little eyes.

This is not to say that the Pam Anderson or Paris Hilton video's were not disappointing in their own right, because they were. But there is something understandable about a celebrity of their stature not quite "taking it like a pro" (if I may be so blunt with my phrases), just as it would be equally understandable if this video suffered from the same below-average performance by its lead female star. However, in this unique once-in-a-lifetime case, Kim Kardashian, (the celebrity with arguably the greatest, most perfect ass in all of Hollywood), is clearly willing to go all-out in her taped sexual escapade, essentially leaving it up to Captain Idiot to decide whether this video is in fact going to be a gift from the heavens, or a completely wasted golden opportunity. (And in case my euphemisms haven't been clear to this point), this miserably lame, fucking imbecile named "Ray J," made damn sure to waste this moment in the sun for all of us, with his absolutely unacceptable leadership in the bedroom.

Taking it like a pro.

Imagine being down by 4 points with only 2 minutes to go, no timeouts... you've got me and my brother-in-arms, Mark Clayton, lined up as wideouts. You've got Tony Nathan in the backfield, with Richmond Webb and Dwight Stephenson leading the O-line. All you need now is Dan "The Man" Marino to pilot the ship and bring this thing home. But he goes down, leaving you with Scott Secules to take his place. (Who?) So sure, you have 10 of the 11 necessary players to formulate the perfect comeback, but what happens without that one key position? Well, on 2nd and 17 (after a sack) Secules throws an interception returned for a touchdown.

Scott Secules: Totally not made up.

My analogy basically means that this sex tape isn't disappointing because of setting, or lighting, or unflattering night-vision. No, all the more likely reasons for this scenario to fail could not have been more perfectly in place. It's unforgivably disappointing because what could have been (and by all rights SHOULD have been) the greatest, most amazing celebrity sex-tape to ever grace our internet, was ruined by the one thing that shouldn't have even been an issue at all: the guy.

You see, Ms. Kardashian somehow found the one-in-a-million guy who apparently thinks that the "doggy-style" position is best performed with the female laying flat on her stomach. Well, Mr. J, I'm here to tell you that there is absolutely no scenario, ever, that justifies this as being the case. I don't care what the girl looks like, or what she's got back there, if you are opting for this position, never will there be a reason to have the girl lay flat on her stomach... ever. That doesn't even make sense, considering that by definition alone, she can't be laying flat like that. As Freddie "Money In The" Banks would say: back arched, ass out! Ray, what the fuck, dude? Seriously?

Artist's crude rendering of Ray J's "doggy style".

But what is much, much worse than that, is when you are the chosen one, the lone man selected for one of the most sought after fantasies in modern, scandalous sex-tape history... and somehow this is how you give back to a million envious men who are forced to live vicariously through you. You, Ray J, should be ashamed of your performance for the team, not proud of any personal victory.

Mark Duper doesn't celebrate with a touchdown dance if the play was called back for a penalty. Just sayin'.

Mark Clayton Revisits Mega Man 9 Demo, Still Angry

Mega Man 9: Not cool, not cool at all.

Mark Clayton would hate to punctuate a landslide rout of a game by catching another touchdown pass from Dan Marino, but I actually wouldn't hate to. Dan can pass to me till we're rolling wheel chairs downfield in the SCFL (Senior Citizen Football League).

I should admit that I didn't actually go back and play the shit-tastical screwfest that was Mega Man 9-- I meant "revisit" in the sense that when you're pissed off and you turn back and say, "and another thing..." That's how this is. I can't shake my absolute disgust for this stupid game.

Not even the famous "Ickey Shuffle" can shake off this disgust.

A retro cool game like this oughtta be a great throwback, not something you want to throw back (then chase after, push to the ground, and kick repeatedly). It was supposed to complement the memory of all those wonderful growth years of video games, the formidable rise of King Nintendo. Instead, it just reminds me of the cheap death taint that was so prevalent because for game designers back then it was the only thing they knew to do. And that's it. See, Mark Clayton played through the early Mega Man games he had, soldiering through all the unfair bullshit. I even beat one of them, for good measure.

Yes, this game is no different from Mega Mans 1-7 or 8 or whatever. It's Dynasty Warriors (a redundant, repetitious game series that has been through the paces without any real substantive change through a ridiculous number of sequels and spin-offs) before Dynasty Warriors was even a pixel in its creator's eye. The earliest renditions were palatable for the time because it was all we got-- that was the best product that could be made with the available technology and budget. It angers me that they saved millions of dollars by developing this new one exactly like an original NES game, even down to the sound. And of all those millions of dollars saved, why couldn't any of it have gone in to adding a dash of innovation to make the game play just a bit -- oh, I don't know -- fun?

A whole tunnel o' fun, which this game is not.

Mark Duper made a good point about how the "new" Bionic Commando game, another retro-retread, has at least been optimized for HD (though not game play in Mark Clayton's eyes, but that's another blog).

Do graphics this chin-slobberingly cool really need an upgrade to HD?

This Mega Man game, though, basically ripped off its predecessors in every conceivable way it could manage and not in a good way either. Sure, the crap they put out back in 1987 may have been fun, but pretending it'll fly nowadays -- is just a pile of shit.

Mark Clayton's Mega Man 9 Demo in a Nutshell (PS3)

Cheap death. Cheap death. Deleted from hard drive.

Like this, but even more stupid and disappointing.

Capcom will cash in on the retro appeal and cheap production costs, but not because of Mark Clayton.