Just Sayin': The Kardashian Sex Tape: This is a ball Mark Duper would never have dropped

Mark Duper doesn't want to get inappropriate here, but he finally saw this so-called "sex tape" with Kim Kardashian and some moron who calls himself "Ray J" (or something thereof), and the wasted opportunity that was before me was so anger-inducing, that I absolutely had to write a blog about it.

Now look, again, Mark Duper is not trying to say anything that I wouldn't want Dan Marino's kids reading. But seriously, this Ray J tool needs to be stood up against a wall so that every guy in America can line up, and one by one slap this guy in the face. Why? If you're asking why, then you simply haven't seen this unbelievably disappointing, blue-ball of a sex-tape.

Not safe for the little eyes.

This is not to say that the Pam Anderson or Paris Hilton video's were not disappointing in their own right, because they were. But there is something understandable about a celebrity of their stature not quite "taking it like a pro" (if I may be so blunt with my phrases), just as it would be equally understandable if this video suffered from the same below-average performance by its lead female star. However, in this unique once-in-a-lifetime case, Kim Kardashian, (the celebrity with arguably the greatest, most perfect ass in all of Hollywood), is clearly willing to go all-out in her taped sexual escapade, essentially leaving it up to Captain Idiot to decide whether this video is in fact going to be a gift from the heavens, or a completely wasted golden opportunity. (And in case my euphemisms haven't been clear to this point), this miserably lame, fucking imbecile named "Ray J," made damn sure to waste this moment in the sun for all of us, with his absolutely unacceptable leadership in the bedroom.

Taking it like a pro.

Imagine being down by 4 points with only 2 minutes to go, no timeouts... you've got me and my brother-in-arms, Mark Clayton, lined up as wideouts. You've got Tony Nathan in the backfield, with Richmond Webb and Dwight Stephenson leading the O-line. All you need now is Dan "The Man" Marino to pilot the ship and bring this thing home. But he goes down, leaving you with Scott Secules to take his place. (Who?) So sure, you have 10 of the 11 necessary players to formulate the perfect comeback, but what happens without that one key position? Well, on 2nd and 17 (after a sack) Secules throws an interception returned for a touchdown.

Scott Secules: Totally not made up.

My analogy basically means that this sex tape isn't disappointing because of setting, or lighting, or unflattering night-vision. No, all the more likely reasons for this scenario to fail could not have been more perfectly in place. It's unforgivably disappointing because what could have been (and by all rights SHOULD have been) the greatest, most amazing celebrity sex-tape to ever grace our internet, was ruined by the one thing that shouldn't have even been an issue at all: the guy.

You see, Ms. Kardashian somehow found the one-in-a-million guy who apparently thinks that the "doggy-style" position is best performed with the female laying flat on her stomach. Well, Mr. J, I'm here to tell you that there is absolutely no scenario, ever, that justifies this as being the case. I don't care what the girl looks like, or what she's got back there, if you are opting for this position, never will there be a reason to have the girl lay flat on her stomach... ever. That doesn't even make sense, considering that by definition alone, she can't be laying flat like that. As Freddie "Money In The" Banks would say: back arched, ass out! Ray, what the fuck, dude? Seriously?

Artist's crude rendering of Ray J's "doggy style".

But what is much, much worse than that, is when you are the chosen one, the lone man selected for one of the most sought after fantasies in modern, scandalous sex-tape history... and somehow this is how you give back to a million envious men who are forced to live vicariously through you. You, Ray J, should be ashamed of your performance for the team, not proud of any personal victory.

Mark Duper doesn't celebrate with a touchdown dance if the play was called back for a penalty. Just sayin'.